Bullshit Sorcery of Smut Scenes

🧙‍WITCHY RANT INCOMING — for my fellow smut goblins and gravity-deniers 🐺📚

Can we PLEASE talk about the absolute bullshit sorcery that goes into smut scenes between a 6’6″ Alpha Werewolf Daddy and his 4’11” “tiny little thing” fated mate???

✨Because apparently in romance novels, HEIGHT DIFFERENCE IS A SEX POSITION✨

I’m over here architecting a series of books (no shifter romance but size difference) where the ML is 198 cm tall (that’s 6’6″ in “Alpha Units”) and the FMC is 4’11” and friends… it’s part body horror, part logistical spreadsheet, and somehow I’m the first person asking:

🧠✨ “HOW. THE. FERAL. HELL. DOES THIS ACTUALLY WORK?”

🍆 AND THEN THE DICK SIZE.

Oh, he’s twelve inches, is he?

TWELVE?!

At that length, he’s not a lover. He’s a bio-weapon.

He is not “stretching her out.”

He is mining for her kidneys.

The cervix isn’t a prize box at the bottom of a cereal bag!!

NO uterus on this plane of existence is like “yes, rearrange me like Tetris.”

📚 Let’s break it down like a responsible pervert:

🍑 Standing sex?

Not unless she’s a pole dancer with suction cups on her feet and a black belt in levitation.

His pelvis? Up near her sternum.

She would have to dangle off him like a sensual backpack, clinging for dear life while praying her rotator cuffs hold.

There is zero pelvic contact, friends. NONE.

Just awkward thigh-clapping and the distant sound of accidental CPR.

And don’t come at me with “she wraps her legs around his waist” because NO.

Her legs are too short.

Unless she’s wearing stilts or he’s somehow built like a broomstick, there’s no way she’s getting those ham hocks around his Adonis-built V-line.

And let’s be real—he’s not skinny.

This man is built like a Greek god, right?

Not just broad shoulders and pecs you could sled off.

His hips are wide, his thighs are THUNDER, and she is not straddling that without a booster seat and divine thigh extension.

We’re not in a sex scene anymore.

We’re in a structural engineering problem.

🐶 Doggy style?

Oh sweet Luna, please NO.

You think this will work? You adorable, gravity-ignorant soul. THINK. AGAIN.

His legs are twice as long.

If they’re both on the bed, his knees are somewhere in Narnia.

To align properly?

➡️ She’s kneeling on the mattress.

➡️ He’s kneeling on the FLOOR.

Like some sort of medieval manservant trying to serve her sex and a wine goblet at the same time.

And even if the logistics line up, this is the position with the deepest angle of penetration.

We’re not talking light exploration here.

We’re talking internal trauma.

At 10+ inches?

He’s knocking on her stomach.

She’s not moaning—she’s burping vowels.

And if they do try to adjust the angle?

Say goodbye to his hamstrings.

The man is doing a full squat like he’s trying to set a world record at the gym while aiming for her cervix like it’s a carnival ring toss.

🛌 From behind, but spooning?

Okay, finally a position that won’t kill them both.

Mostly horizontal, body support, manageable depth—yes!

But hot neck kisses? LOL.

He can only kiss the top of her head.

At best, he’s whispering sweet nothings into her scalp.

No steamy ear nibbling. No hot breath on her neck.

Just awkward sniffing her conditioner and praying she washed her hair.

🛏️ Missionary?

Ah yes, the ol’ “intimate eye contact and passionate kissing” position—

EXCEPT HER FACE IS AT HIS NIPPLES.

Let’s get real here:

He’s 6’6″, she’s 4’11”, and she’s laying flat on her back while he looms above like a sexy architecture project.

Her legs?

Too short to hook around his hips.

Her thighs are just flopping mid-air like T-Rex arms for butts. Zero leverage. Zero cling.

She’s spread out like a summoning circle.

Kissing? HAHAHAHAHA.

Her face is somewhere between his sternum and solar plexus.

He would have to dislocate his cervical spine just to make lip-to-lip contact.

This isn’t sensual. This is vertebral sacrifice.

Unless his neck grows directly out of his chest like some cursed garden hose, there is no earthly angle where their mouths naturally meet.

So what does he do?

Hover like a haunted gargoyle?

Stare directly down at her forehead?

Whisper sweet nothings into her eyebrows?

Tragic.

💋 Normal kissing??

ROMANCE AUTHORS: Explain to me how your 6’7″ Alpha kisses his 4’10” Omega without a step stool or destroying his lumbar spine like an old IKEA shelf.

You think tall men just fold like deck chairs???

💀 In conclusion:

This isn’t a smut scene. It’s a cursed Cirque du Soleil routine.

It’s not sexy, it’s a biomechanical horror show (or at least a really crude comedy) and I am LIVING for it in my own book.

I want rope harnesses. Platform boots. A fucking ramp.

Because this isn’t a fantasy. It’s physics with lube.

🧙‍Blessed be the back pillows and may your FMCs have strong knees.

Love,

Witch of Hellridge

(Writer. Chaos Mother. Human Bioloy MSc. Coffee-powered voice of pelvic truth.)